Living with Undiagnosed ADHD as an Adult: When Functioning Isn’t Flourishing
Many adults live with undiagnosed ADHD, often unaware that their mental restlessness, distractibility, or sense of overwhelm could be part of a recognised neurodevelopmental condition. From the outside, they may appear capable—managing work, relationships, and day-to-day life—but inside, there’s a constant struggle.
In my practice, I often meet clients who aren’t necessarily seeking answers about ADHD, but who describe familiar patterns: racing thoughts, chronic procrastination, emotional ups and downs, or difficulty focusing—even on things they care deeply about. Some begin to wonder if ADHD could be part of their story. Others have never considered it until certain patterns start to make more sense through reflection and conversation in therapy.
Why Might ADHD Be Missed?
Many adults were never assessed for ADHD in childhood. Depending on when and where someone went to school, awareness and understanding of neurodiversity were often limited. For those now in midlife or beyond, terms like ADHD simply weren’t part of the conversation. Instead, they were told they were disorganised, lazy, overemotional, or just “not living up to their potential.”
Some internalised those labels early on, working extra hard to compensate—often becoming high-functioning, driven, or overly self-critical. But coping strategies can only stretch so far before they begin to take a toll on wellbeing.
Today, even with greater awareness, ADHD can still go unrecognised—particularly in individuals whose experiences don’t align with the more familiar picture of visible hyperactivity or attention difficulties. For many adults, it may show up in quieter, less noticeable ways: struggles with focus, emotional overwhelm, or a persistent inner critic that’s been there for as long as they can remember.
The Hidden Costs of an Invisible Struggle
For many, the cost of undiagnosed ADHD isn’t chaos, but chronic pressure and emotional strain. Clients often describe:
Feeling constantly behind, no matter how much they do
Time slipping away, losing track of priorities or jumping between tasks
A relentless inner critic, reinforcing the belief they’re not good enough
Emotional ups and downs, with guilt, shame, or frustration easily triggered
Struggling in relationships, due to forgetfulness or emotional reactivity
In Transactional Analysis (TA), we explore how early experiences and internal messages form what’s known as a “life script”—a set of unconscious beliefs about who we are and how we need to be. For someone with undiagnosed ADHD, script messages might include: “I must work harder,” “I’m too much,” or “I always mess things up.” These patterns often form long before there’s any understanding of why certain things feel so difficult.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a non-judgemental space to begin untangling this internal experience. While therapy doesn’t diagnose ADHD, it can support people in understanding themselves more clearly—and deciding whether to seek a formal assessment.
In therapy, we might:
Identify patterns of attention, emotion, and energy
Explore the impact of early messages and life roles
Understand shame and self-blame linked to long-term coping
Develop strategies for managing overwhelm and self-organisation
Reframe internal criticism through greater self-compassion
For some, simply naming their experience—whether or not a diagnosis is pursued—can bring a deep sense of relief. It becomes possible to shift from blame to understanding, from coping to engaging with life in a way that’s more sustainable and authentic.
Finding Your Own Rhythm
You don’t need a diagnosis to know that life feels harder than it should. If you recognise yourself in these descriptions, therapy can offer a space to explore what’s going on beneath the surface. Whether ADHD is part of your story or not, the impact of years spent masking, striving, or second-guessing yourself is worth attending to.
You’re not lazy. You’re not broken. You’ve likely been adapting to a world that wasn’t set up with your brain in mind. Therapy can help you reconnect with your own rhythm—and find new ways to live that feel more spacious, self-directed, and real.
If you're considering therapy, you're welcome to get in touch with any questions or to arrange a free 30-minute call. There’s no pressure to commit.
Sometimes, the first step is just starting the conversation.